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It hurt.

It hurt a lot.

And I had absolutely no idea why.

All I knew was that I’d had what felt like very rough sex the night before and I was pretty sure it wasn’t consensual, since I didn’t do what I felt like I’d done – or rather, what I’d taken…

But who the hell had it been? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t squeaky clean. I’d had one-night stands before and I’d woken up not knowing where I was before, but that was nothing like this. I was scared because I just couldn’t remember how the hell I’d managed to end up here in this hotel room with absolutely no recollection of how I got here. 

I could remember the first part of the evening but I didn’t remember anything after the audition with Patrick Woods.

My blood ran cold. No. No way…

Panic flooded my mind. Could it have been Patrick? I couldn’t deny that I’d heard rumours about him – hell, someone had made a snide crack about him at the awards ceremony I’d attended with Josh, a good friend and fellow actor, only a few weeks ago – but I’d dismissed it as sour grapes. 

I’d always thought the casting couch was a myth… Now? Well, now, I wasn’t so sure. But I hadn’t been a willingparticipant – and I certainly hadn’t come to this hotel for anything other than a meeting. I’d come here to discuss the new serial and to read a few lines.

Over drinks, he’d said. Had a part that he knew I’d be fantastic at, he’d said. And I’d believed him. Feeling a little like my luck was about to change, I’d happily gone along, boosted by my mate, Josh’s confidence in my abilities…

Oh, my God. I’d been so naïve. Naïve, stupid and downright careless. Why the hell had I come alone? Why hadn’t I taken Josh up on his offer to come with me? Why had I not asked Josh to at least check on me? 

Because I’d conceitedly thought I could handle someone like Patrick Woods, that was why. I thought I could tell him where to stick his job offer if he started to get a bit pushy.

And my agent had made it sound so normal… 

“This is really exciting Eden, He wants you to meet at the royal hotel where he’s staying for the premier of ‘young guns’ he’s excited to meet you – said you were a rising star – this’ll put you on the map Eden! This’ll make you a very rich man!”

I shrugged and smiled “fine,” I said “What time should I meet him then?”

He suggested drinks in the bar and then he’ll take you back to his room for a chat in private.” 

“Is that normal?”

He nodded, “Oh, sure.” 

Well if that the way it was done…

It had never occurred to me that things wouldn’t work out that way, that he wouldn’t give me that chance to tell him what to do with his job – and it sure never occurred to me that he’d stoop low enough to spike my drink and rape me. Who in their right mind would do such a thing?

I got out of the bed and hurriedly threw my clothes on. I was shaking and I felt like I was going to be sick. I wasn’t sure if that was traces of the drug still in my system, or if it was panic and adrenalin pulsing through me. All I knew was that I just had to get out of there.

As I reached for my shoes, I noticed a rolled-up piece of paper in my left shoe.

I frowned and pulled it out. “I’ll be in touch, Eden, but I’m really impressed with your audition and I look forward to meeting with you again at the studios. Congratulations, Eden – the part is yours. Patrick x”

I stared at it. Fuck. Was this the way all of his actors got their parts? Did he drug and rape all of them? Had I put up a fight? God, I really hoped I had…

I shoved the paper in my pocket, grabbed my jacket and got the hell out of there.

I caught the tram back home and sat staring out of the window all the way home, just racking my brains for some sort of reason for Patrick’s actions. Had I given him the come-on?

No. Another voice shouted up in my mind (that sounded awfully like my best friend, Josh) You did nothing wrong. The guy’s a sick bastard. Stay away from him. 

Christ, Josh was going to go nuts about this. He was a very protective kind of guy…

I stuck my key in the lock and turned it with shaking hands. Running all the way up the stairs to my small flat that I shared with Josh, I locked the door and shot the bolt behind me and headed straight for the shower.

I have no idea how long I sat there in the shower just letting the spray from the shower soak me. I felt, in that moment, as if I would never be clean again. Finally, I dragged my carcass out of the bathroom and sat on my bed. My nose felt bunged up and my eyes felt puffy. It was only then that I realised I’d been sobbing my heart out in the shower for probably a good hour.

My phone had a couple of missed messages from Josh and I felt bad all over again – but not for myself this time. This time I was worried for the way Josh was going to react to me being raped. He was going to be beside himself with worry about my mental wellbeing.

In what felt like the next second, but could have been an hour later, there was banging on my bedroom door. He’d got home… “Eden?” I heard Josh’s slightly breathless voice.

I grabbed my dressing gown, pulled it on and tied the belt securely, certain he wouldn’t want an eyeful. 

I opened the door and found Josh on the other side of the threshold, “Dude.” He said, shaking a bag of doughnuts at me and grinning widely, “I thought you’d been abducted by aliens, what the fuck?”

Feeling suddenly unbearably caged in, I pushed him aside and marched ahead of him into the lounge (which was also the rest of the flat, bar my bedroom). On autopilot, I put the kettle on and then went to sit with him on the sofa (this doubled up as his bed when he wasn’t living out of suitcases in hotels whilst filming for his long-running serial) where he was already tucking into one of the doughnuts. Normally I would have eaten at least two by now. I turned to him.

“So?” he asked, “How did it go? Did you get the part? Was Patrick as odious as everyone says he is?” He was smiling at me, his eyebrows raised. He was totally rooting for me to have gotten the part. I could have just said that yes, the part was mine and left it at that. I could have laughed along and said that Patrick was indeed the total wanker that everyone said he was. But Josh was my best friend in the world and he cared about me enough to have come banging on my door, wondering what the hell had happened to me – and no one else in my life cared about me like that. I bit my lip. Should I really share this with him? Was I just about to traumatise him, too?

I looked up and into his kind brown eyes and suddenly it was like a dam burst inside me. I couldn’t stop the words from spewing out of me all over the goddamn place.

I burst into tears again. With snot and tears all over my face, I crawled into his lap and buried my face into his big, warm chest. He wrapped his arms around me as I hiccupped and tried to breathe as I told him everything that I could remember from the episode – which wasn’t actually a whole lot, really compared the overwhelming number of emotions I was experiencing.

Predictably, Josh was horrified, making me feel dirty and used all over again. “Oh, my God.” He said, stroking my hair and hugging me into him a little tighter, “Sweetheart, you have to go to the police about this.”

I shook my head, “I can’t do that,” I whispered, “and you know – I really want the part… I guess this is just the way it’s done.” Even as I said the words, I knew there was no way on this earth that I could ever take that part now.

He stared at me as if I’d grown another head or something. I clearly wasn’t thinking straight to have even said such a thing. “He raped you.” He snarled, clenching his fists, “You have to at least talk to someone about this then.”

“I’m talking to you about it.” I said defensively.

He ran his hand through his hair and looked at me in despair, “But I’m nowhere near qualified to deal with this, Eden.” He said, “You need someone professional. I can see what this is doing to you.”

I tugged my dressing gown around me a little tighter, “I’m fine.” I muttered.

He raised an eyebrow and looked at me in disbelief, “You haven’t eaten any of your doughnuts.”

It was true. I had absolutely no appetite.

Josh shrugged and then looked up at me, “I have an idea.” He said.

I looked at him, “Buy a big gun and blow his head off?” I asked, “Yeah, I’ve already thought about that but I don’t think you can buy them in England...

He grinned, “That would definitely work for me – but then you and I would end up in prison and I don’t think I could hack the lack of fashion in there.” He said. “No. I was thinking that maybe you could go and see his ex. He seems like a really nice guy. He’s married to that other guy now. You know the one – the really cute babysitter? Maybe he knows something about him – maybe that’s the reason they broke up. You have to do something.”

“Why?” I demanded, “Why do I have to do anything?” Why did I have to be the crusader against the man? Scores of other wannabes had probably been through exactly what I’d been through – and were probably now rich and famous and had just put it down to experience. Some people were just harder than I was. I wasn’t cut out for this business, clearly… and hell, I didn’t want to tell the world that Patrick Woods had raped me. I’d just go back to being a barista… I could hand out coffee and cake with a big smile and a few kind words to old ladies till the cows came home.

“Because he raped you, dude.” Josh said, looking at me incredulously, “And that’s bad.” 

I nodded. “I know.” I said quietly. A shudder of revulsion went through me that he’d touched me and done things to me that I had absolutely no recollection of. The sick bastard. What the fuck did he think he was doing. “He can’t get away with this.” I said, looking Josh in the eye. “He just can’t.”

Josh shook his head and looked back at me, his face serious, “He can’t,” he said, “You have to tell someone.”

I nodded. “I have to tell someone.” I repeated.

The question was – who? Did I go to the police? Would they believe me?

I decided to go with Josh’s suggestion and try and track down Nathan McGregor first. If anyone was going to know about Patrick Woods, surely it would be him. They were the golden couple of Hollywood a couple of years back – before Patrick cheated on him and Nathan dumped him for a total nobody…

“I’m coming with you.” Josh said, “You can’t go there on your own.”

I sighed. I didn’t feel as if I’d be able to go anywhere on my own ever again – and even if I wanted to – Josh wasn’t going to let me out of his sight, anyway…

 

It was the most fitting end to the most awful day I’d had in a long time. For starters, I didn’t have my partner in crime-fighting, Harrison to bounce off and I was getting heartily sick of doing things alone.

Resources being what they were, meant that I rarely had another officer to attend calls with. Most of the time that wasn’t an issue but today had been an absolute nightmare – and it wasn’t over yet. Great…

I was just heading home and had just managed to get off the M25, which was, as always, packed solid. Not that it really mattered. It wasn’t like I had a wife and child waiting for me at home like my partner, Harrison had.

I tried hard not to be jealous of his wonderful life. It wouldn’t work for me anyway, since I’d never fancied girls in all of my life, as hard as I’d tried in my teens to fit in with the rest of my completely heterosexual mates.

The sad truth was, that, as masculine as I appeared to be, I was as gay as gay got. I just didn’t look it. I know – unfair, since it never got me noticed by any of the guys I ever fancied. Not that it mattered. I wasn’t looking for love. Been there, done that, got my heart broken...

Anyway, I digress. I was passing an industrial estate when I spotted someone sitting on the edge of one of the buildings. It wasn’t particularly high-rise – but high enough if you were of the mind to do damage to yourself.

For one fleeting second, I contemplated just driving by and going home but then my inner-Superman kicked in and with a massive sigh, I pulled off the main road and into the car park.

It took me a good ten minutes to find my way into the fucking building and another five or so to get up to the roof but finally, I managed it.

I walked across the roof and calmly made my way towards the person on the roof. I could now tell that the person was a guy – and not a particularly old guy at that. Not that that made any difference – he was clearly in some kind of trouble and I was, allegedly, paid to help.

I stepped over the railing that would normally stop people from going over the edge and went to sit by his side. Not too close – I wasn’t wishing to freak him out – but close enough to have a conversation.

“Nice evening.” I commented. It wasn’t actually true. The summer so far had been absolutely magnificent with the temperatures soaring above the twenties every day but today had been as muggy as hell and the sky was definitely threatening a storm. I felt a drop even as I said it.

He looked at me suspiciously, “If you say so.” He finally responded, clearly beginning to think I was a total saddo.

I shrugged, “It’s not pissing it down with rain, yet. We haven’t been struck by lightning. I might make it home in time to watch the end of Love Island – what’s there to complain about?”

He frowned, “Who the fuck are you?” he asked, “And what the hell are you doing up here, bothering me?”

I shrugged, “I could ask you the same question.”

He snorted, “I was here first, dude,” he said, scowling at me pretty impressively. If I was made of less stern stuff, I might have been put off, “therefore you’re invading my space.”

I nodded, “True.” I admitted without a hint of shame whatsoever. He could try making me feel guilty all he liked. I wasn’t the one up here contemplating ending my wonderful life, “The name’s Colby. I’m a police officer and I thought you could do with a hand back down off the roof. So, how about it? Shall we go down?” Come on, mate. It’s raining. I’m getting cold and call me a total saddo if you like but I just want to go home and watch Love Island…

He didn’t seem to have heard that last bit, though, since he answered the previous question – and he didn’t give me his name. “I’m a nobody. A wannabe actor with no fucking chance.” He muttered.

I grinned, “And I’m a wannabe Chief Inspector with no fucking chance, too but what are you gonna do, huh?”

He eyed me curiously, “What are you on, dude?” he asked, “Because I could really do with some of the same.”

I grinned, “Nothing but eternal optimism for a better future.” I said, “But between you and me,” I leaned my shoulder in to his and nudged it, “I could really do with a beer and a bag of crisps or something in a nice, warm beer garden – how about it?”

He sighed and shook his head, “Nah.” He said, “Drinking gets me into trouble.” He muttered, “I need to keep a clear head from now on.”

I frowned. Something was definitely up with this guy, “What’s happened?” I asked.

He shook his head, “I had an audition today.” He said, “I thought a drink would loosen me up – so one became two.”

“And you bombed because you were pissed?” Hell, that was tough, but not tough enough to consider ending it all…

He shook his head and eyed me with something close to contempt, “I only had two beers, dude.” He said, “But I wish I’d not had those, because they took my edge off – know what I mean?”

I nodded, “Sure.”

He shook his head, “I didn’t even know who the guy was or I sure as fuck wouldn’t have gone in…”

I was confused, “What guy?”

“The new producer.” He said, his voice full of contempt, “Until I went for the interview, I’d got no idea who he was but as soon as I saw him again, I recognised him as the same guy…”

“The same guy?” I was confused. The same guy as what?

He nodded, sighing “He was the same guy who felt me up at a party when I was at drama school. I was only fourteen and he was about thirty or something. I didn’t even realise what he was doing…” he swallowed, visibly shuddering.

Fuck. He’d been sexually assaulted? That was awful…

“So, what’s the problem?” I asked, “You can still report him, even if time has passed from the incident – we can totally get him put on the sex offenders register. Happy days.”

“Happy days?” he asked incredulously making me want to cringe. 

Bad choice of words when he was possibly suicidal. “Well, you know...” I hedged.

He rolled his eyes and took a deep drag of his roll-up cigarette, “Yeah,” he agreed, “I know.”

“That’s bad for your health.” I commented, nodding to his cigarette.

He nodded, “Yeah,” he agreed on a sigh, “I know. I keep giving them up and going onto the e-cigarette things but they taste like shit.”

I grinned, “I thought they were fruit flavoured – and cookie dough and ice-cream and shit like that.”

He nodded, “Exactly.” He said. “If I’m getting a kick from nicotine through smoking, I prefer the disgusting taste of tobacco, thanks.”

I chuckled, I was really beginning to enjoy this guy’s company – as miserable as he was currently being. “You really are a glass-half-empty kind of guy, aren’t you?”

He looked at me sideways, “What sort of a suicide counsellor cop are you?”

I shook my head, “I’m not trained in counselling.” I admitted, “I’m on my way home after the shittiest day in months actually – and then I spotted you up there on the roof. I thought you were Spiderman – and so here I am.” I took a deep breath, trying my best not to breathe in his cigarette smoke, “So, are you going to really fuck my day up and jump? Or are you going to take my hand, come downstairs with me and we’ll go and get a pint?”

 

*

 

The next morning, I woke up and looked at the clock on the bedside table. Blinking the sleep out of my eyes I looked again. “Eight o’clock?” I mumbled to myself incredulously, “Fuck me.”

I never overslept. What the fuck?

I rolled onto my back and lifted myself up to lean onto my elbows and it was only then that I noticed I was as naked as the day I was born – and my bed had serious signs of being romped in.... And then I remembered the couple of beers and the walk home from the pub (which was, thankfully, only a short walk away from where I lived) and the beautiful guy that had been sat on that roof.

Holy shit. I sat up quickly and looked around as if I was going to find him sat on the end of the bed or something. Where the fuck was he now? Because he’d definitely fallen asleep in my arms... Maybe he really was Spiderman…

I groaned as I heaved my aching body out of bed. I couldn’t blame the guy from last night for my aches and pains – that had all been from the really awful day I’d had at work the day before, chasing pick-pockets all over the damned city and dealing with all sorts of stupid cases that were a fucking waste of time and effort. 

Things I’d used to find mildly amusing when I was partnered with my best mate – but now, dealing with them all alone while I waited to be partnered with someone else while Harrison was on paternity leave, well, it was just fucking miserable.

I dragged myself to the bathroom and got in the shower.

The warm water soon had me feeling refreshed and had gone a bit of a way to making my shoulders feel less tight.

As I washed my hair and soaped my body, my mind drifted to the night before and the guy I’d shared my bed with. He’d been... interesting. I rarely got involved with guys – too afraid of being outed on the force and if I’m gonna be really honest, a little scared of getting attached, and therefore, hurt again...

I knew Harley was out – as were Denny and Blaine who’d both now left the force to start a new business – and Kody Elden, who was a senior officer but I didn’t want anyone to know about my sexual preferences. It wasn’t anyone else’s fucking business as far as I was concerned. I didn’t go around asking people if they were gay, straight, bi or whatever else new label came along every time you picked up the paper – and I didn’t really care. Who gave a fuck who the chief was fucking in his own time? I certainly didn’t...

I dried myself off, still wondering what had happened to my mysterious lover from the night before – worrying slightly that he might have simply returned to the place I found him – and followed through with his dark deed. A cold feeling of dread went through me at that final thought.

I needed to talk to someone – and the someone I needed right now was my work buddy, rather than Matteo, my cousin who I can’t deny, I adored and had been spending quite a lot of my spare time with just recently. What do I mean, just recently? We’d been inseparable from the time we were kids – work just got in the way of us causing mayhem now that we were older.

Matteo was a great guy but he was kind of flaky compared to Harrison and I figured he didn’t need any dramas coming from my corner when he always had enough dramas of his own to cope with. He’d met some creep at Studs and Steel the other week – before Harrison went on paternity leave. I hadn’t been introduced to him yet, but I wasn’t impressed when I’d seen him dancing with Matteo on the dancefloor. He looked like one of life’s fakers if you know what I mean – dressed to impress but not quite pulling it off. He was a shady guy in my opinion and I made a mental note to have a chat with Matteo about him...

 

Right now, though – I had my own problems to deal with and Harrison was the voice of cold, hard reason, which was exactly what I needed. Matteo was great but he was a little more romantic in his views and therefore advice – and I needed someone a little more blunt right now.

Harrison might be on paternity leave, but I needed a sounding board – and he was always going to be my preferred confidante and therefore, my first port of call in a crisis.

I rang the doorbell of Harrison's house and waited a little nervously for him to answer the door.

After a couple of minutes, he came to the door, looking tired and slightly harassed. I grinned, “hey dude,” I said, “How’s it hanging?”

He narrowed his eyes slightly at me, judging whether I was simply asking after him, or if I was referring to his dick, which, I’m not gonna lie, was impressive but I’d never fancied him so the point was moot. Matteo, on the other hand, had been crushing on him since I’d first met him in training. It was a given that we’d be partnered even then. We worked so well together it was almost like we were telepathic. Matteo thought it was incredible. 

“You’re like Sapphire and Steel,” he breathed.

I snorted, “Dude!” I crowed, “That’s like ancient!”

He grinned, “I know,” he said, “But Gran loves it and she’s got the box set on DVD – Joanna Lumley is utterly gorgeous in it.”

I rolled my eyes. Weirdly, Matteo had always had a crush on Joanna Lumley. You should have heard him go on about her as Purdy from the New Avengers when we first found all of Gran’s box sets and he found to his glee that Gran also appeared to have a crush on Joanna Lumley...

Anyway, I digress. I might not have ever fancied Harrison, I did, however, want a man eventually who would love me for all eternity and who was as impressive in the trouser department, if you know what I mean – and that guy last night… Phewee! He had a very impressive package, thanks very much and he knew exactly what he was doing with it...

“Thank God you're here,” Harrison said with feeling, dragging me into his house and handing me his eldest child, Lucy, who immediately snuggled into me and closed her eyes. I’d always been kind of gifted at getting the babies to sleep and Harrison’s children were no different to those of my siblings. I was the youngest (and gayest) one of four. My older brother was single, in the forces overseas and then we had two older sisters who were both married with two children each. Relationship goals... All of the kids loved their Uncle Colby. “I’ve been awake all night with Jordan and now Lucy’s being a right old harridan. I tell you mate. I can’t wait to get back to work – this being a stay-at-home parent is fucking torture!”

I frowned in confusion at his hairless state, “Where’s Carly?” I asked, looking around for a sign of his beautiful and very patient, caring wife.

Harrison rolled his eyes, “Her gran’s ill so she’s shot off with her mother, leaving me with the babies on my own. Like I know what I’m fucking doing,” he looked at me as if she’d left him with a boa constrictor to wrestle, “fucking typical.” He grumbled, “You know what women are like...”

I looked at him with slightly raised eyebrows. I guess I knew what my sisters were like – and my mother, but other than that, actually, no, I really didn’t. They were a total mystery to me and I was pretty comfortable with that. Men were hard enough to try to work out.

He grinned, “Anyway. Thankfully Jordan’s flat-out for now. Come on in, mate.” He said with a massive yawn that threatened to have me starting, “I’ll stick the kettle on. Are you off today or is this just a late start?”

I explained that I’d slept through my alarm and that I’d had to swap a shift with Smithson and Beatty.

He frowned, “That’s not like you,” he commented, eyeing me suspiciously, “late night, was it?”

I nodded, “Uh, something like that.” I hedged.

Lucy was well and truly asleep in my arms, which I can’t deny, was beginning to give me a bit of backache. I sat down in one of the chairs around the table and settled myself back into a comfy position while Harrison got the cups out and started making us a brew.

“Something like that?” he grinned and raised an eyebrow, “What? You met a guy?” He looked at me hopefully. Bless him. He just wanted me to meet a nice guy and settle down like him and Carly. If only my gay life was that simple...

I nodded, “Yeah, it was a really shitty day...” I started to explain...

“You did what?” Harrison exclaimed, looking at me in horror, “You took the dude for a drink? Are you fucking crazy?”

I frowned at him. I’d had a shitty day. He’d clearly had a shitty day. I thought the best thing all round was to go and sink a couple of pints... “No,” I said a little defensively, “why?”

He rolled his eyes at me. Something he did at work about a hundred times an hour... “How the fuck do you know that he didn’t just climb straight up there again after you left him and jumped anyway?”

I felt the colour rising in my cheeks. The reason I knew he hadn’t done that last night, was because I spent the entire night with him, having rampant sex and enjoying his body in the same way as he enjoyed mine but I didn’t really think Harrison wanted to know about that... “Ummm.”

His jaw dropped as realisation dawned on him about what had transpired between myself and the suicidal guy on the building, “Oh, my God. You fucked him, didn’t you?” he asked.

I shrugged, “Well, technically, I guess you’d have to say that he fucked me, but yeah.” And it had been the best fuck I’d had in ages – ever, even…

He shook his head, “You should have got him to A&E!”

I frowned, “But he didn’t do anything to hurt himself.” I argued. Jeez, he was only sat on the edge of the building, smoking and looking as sexy as hell. He wasn’t actually threatening to jump when I found him, either. He just started telling me about the new sleazy producer guy that was involved in the TV show he was in, who needed his face rearranging with my fist...

He closed his eyes and I could tell he was counting to ten in his head. I swear he thought I was stupid sometimes – but to be fair, sometimes I was... Chief often said I was the Joey Essex of the force and I don’t think he was talking about my looks... “You should have got him to A&E so they could watch him. They have people properly trained to deal with suicidal people. It doesn’t just go away, you know? The feeling of being worthless and that no one will miss them once they’re gone. Your boy is suicidal. That means he’s very depressed – about something or about lots of different things. He needed help, Colby, not a quick shag with a cute guy.”

I beamed at him, “You think I’m cute?” I asked delightedly, “aw, thanks buddy.”

He gave me a look that made me wonder if he sometimes felt violent towards me, “Call him.” he commanded me, “You did get his number?”

Sure I did. I pulled my phone out and did a double take at the name and contact. Parker? Well, what do you know? He really was my very own Spiderman… 

At my subtle nod, he rolled his eyes, “Right, and then you go and find him – and you get him the help he needs. Before he’s found dead with your DNA all over him.”

Fuck...

Available now for pre-ordering; release date for Colby... Conflicted 31st July 2020

Release date for Nowhere to Hide 31st August 2020